Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sunny Skies and Make Believe PAC's

Well we had a lacrosse game today where it did not rain. Not a bit, not a drop. Thanks to the bribes doled out by my new Political Action Committee, #OregoniansAgainstRain, the weather was bright and sunny. It was a little cold but that's not our problem. Let the cold weather wimps put together their own group.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Who do you pay to get nice weather?" Well let me tell you, that's a fantastic question. Turns out there's a fellow just outside my place of employment who's more than willing to promise me nice weather for a nominal fee. I'm sure the donations to St. Anthony's helped (as well as the candles, don't forget the candles), and the money spent on my new jacket was the icing on the cake. Everyone knows that preparation is the key to stopping rain in it's tracks. It's like washing the car when you want rain, only in reverse. (On a side note, the only thing that frightens rain more than a good waterproof jacket is a sturdy umbrella, but my Oregonian cred would take a dramatic hit if I picked up one of those.) We keep track of these things so we'll know who to go to when the rains come again.

Turns out lacrosse isn't all that bad once you're not being rained on. Very enjoyable way to spend an evening. We took pictures of the game which may have been a mistake. There was one penalty called during the game, but when we got home and took a look at the pictures, we found several stick infractions.

Now I suppose there are a great many things you can do with your stick that may be called an infraction, but what I'm talking about is pretty straight forward. We have pictures of sticks hitting shoulders and arms. Pictures of sticks being jabbed into sides and stomachs, and we have one picture of a stickhead being speared directly into a facemask. I know I don't know all the rules of this game yet, but I'm fairly certain that's not allowed. Judging solely by the photographic evidence it's amazing there were any survivors.

I have been heard to say 'If you're not cheating, you're not trying', and 'It's only cheating if you get caught.' I even tweeted the infamous line from Jessee "The Body" Ventura, 'Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat!' But when it's staring you right in the face, (or glowing at you from a computer screen) it can make you question yourself. Maybe it will get you to take a good, stern look at your core values. It may even shift you a little bit. Not a lot mind you, but a little. Then again, maybe there's not a lot wrong with wanting the referee's to earn their game checks.

Well then, I guess that's something I'll have to mull over.
Until next time,


  1. So do we get a tax deduction for these contributions?!?

  2. No deductions, only the warm fuzzy feeling of being able to contribute to a good cause. Good thing tax day has passed.